Dear Preteen Couples

Puh-leaze. Barely double digits and dating already? Gimme a break.

Uh, wait. Please don't cry. Aw. C'mon. Just...here, take this candy. And here's some Pokemon cards. Can I buy you some ice cream? Calm down, okay? I'm sorry.

But, really, do you even have hormones yet? Hormones are chemicals that are excreted from the pituitary glands in your head that cause puberty to occur. Puberty is as fun as turning into a werewolf, without the vampires or emo romances. Also, you are bombarded by the desire to procreate.

Yes, children, carnal desires are part of what drive relationships. This is why I recommend not getting ahead of yourselves. I will not delve futher into this subject.

Anyway, for a preteen, I don't think it is appropriate to start thinking about...a serious relationship. What's that? It's when you say "I love you" (and not in the way you love Hollister or lip gloss). It's when just being together is enough, no pricey date needed. It's when you love a person no matter how crazy their hair is in the morning or how weird their laugh is. Unfortunately, I've had to imagine what this is like, since I only know what I've seen in chick flicks.

And believe me. If you date someone in fourth grade, it's gonna come back and bite you in the caboodle in a few years. I'm sorry, but there's really no way around other kiddies talking and spreading rumors. Especially if you do something like hook up-Excuse me...I just vomited a little in my mouth.

You might say, "You are such a loser! You are so trying to be my mom. We really like each other! You're just jealous because your single!".

Au contraire, I'm not the one with cooties (remember to get vaccinated, kiddo!). Sure, my maternal instincts might be acting up, but I have no right to ground you or physically prevent you from going out on a date. Plus, if I am trying to be a mom, I wouldn't waste time picking on preteens. Also, I can understand "really liking" each other, but, I'm sorry, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS until after puberty. What you might feel as heart flutters and perspiration will become cardiac arrest and wetter, smellier perspiration. Not to mention the new set of nether regions you'll be receiving. And, hey, maybe I am jealous that I'm single. But I'm not jealous to be completely unattached when it actually starts to matter. Like when guys are finally aware what real dating is- NOT a fun evening at Chuck E. Cheese. NOT picking up bugs on the sidewalk. NOT having a Yu-Gi-Oh duel...(although that might just be me; who can fight with a deck of monsters you can't summon???).

I should clarify: the part that grosses me out the most is the physical canoodling. I mean, as long as no PDA is involved (which annoys me with people my own age and adults, too), I can dig it. Because there is nothing more unromantic than a couple of eleven-year-olds acting out "The Notebook" (or for the more adventurous, "Spiderman"). Wait, actually there is something- "Lady and the Tramp". Sharing spit over a wet noodle is not as pretty as Disney imagined. And for my sake, keep it above the belt. If you don't know what I am talking about, please try to stay that way, at least until you get to a higher level of "health/family life education". You have no idea how awkward those videos can get...

But if you really want to eat ice cream together, I won't stop you. In fact, it's kind of cute when you two laugh together and hold doors open for each other. I can't deny that sharing CDs or watching movies together isn't fun. Even a walk in the park can be adorable. So , maybe if you're really crafty and say "we're friends" and avoid the word "couple", you might just be able to sneak around this gullible ol'teenager after all.

Preteen couples, keep liking each other and being in relationships...but follow that olden rule from preschool. "Keep your hands to yourselves."

Dear Haters

I am very glad. I am very glad to know that people are aware of the second amendment. Because no right is more important than arming yourself with a crippling canon of insecurity, an insensitive arsenal of poor vocabulary, and a grenade of gripes.

Maybe I was a bit too harsh, but surely one of you can point that out to me. You might also point out that the second amendment is all about arming bears, so what the hell am I talking about. You might be tempted to tell me that in the previous sentence a question mark may be more appropriate. You might tell me that I am a huge loser who isn't worth a piece of your fecal matter.

So, I want to thank you for your honesty and your tenacity. After all, it must be difficult to sit at your computer making crass comments about someone else's life when you don't have to say it to their face. But hey, someone's gotta do it. And why not you? You seem to know much more about what I'm doing than me, who is actually doing it. And once I get past the cuss words, poor grammar, and atrocious spelling, I can really understand your sincere advice and understanding. Everything that's wrong with me, wrong with my world, and wrong with whatever I do become as clear as your judgment through a computer screen. Especially the way you said that I wasted your five minutes. How could I manipulate your life like that?! Good thing you left a comment saying so.

Don't be discouraged by those people who think you are shallow and mean. They might accuse you of being overly critical and more heartless than a jellyfish or a Kanye West song. Don't let it get to you, because then you might start having "human felines" or "emoticons" or whatever. They don't deserve to talk to you like that; they don't even know you! Those imbeciles! Just give them the cold shoulder. Ignore them. But make sure you leave a few more comments so they know you're ignoring them. And leave one more stating your initial argument, in case they forget to scroll down. Oh, and call them a few names, so they know you're still addressing them.

But maybe, if you start to imagine that you are hurting someone, a real person, you might not leave "honest and insightful" comments like you usually do. If you imagine talking to a real person who has eagerly tried to share some part of their life with you, you might have seconds thoughts about calling them useless. I'm sure that person has a sense of pride. I'm sure that person could think that you are being sincere. I'm sure that person could be deeply hurt. But you might not have that kind of imagination, so I probably sound pretty useless right now. Sorry for disappointing you...again.

As long as you're here to give us a dollop of sour, haters, I'm powerless to stop you. All I can do is hope that one day you'll find something nice to comment on and that you'll comment nicely. But until then, keep being the Human Torches of the Internet. Flame on.

Dear College Admissions

THIS IS NOT AN ESSAY. But if you'll be so kind, please keep reading. It's late July and college applications are far from my mind. Well, that's a lie. I've been thinking about them every waking moment, but...not so much about starting them. Sure, I'll put down my name and address (because that's all you'll need to send my acceptance letter), but I'm not ready to tell you much more.

But I'm supposed to tell you what ME thinks about ME, right? I think that's the hardest part.

I could give you a description of myself, but that might not help much except if I were an athlete with rippling muscles or a person who has survived physical hardship or a very lucky person who was born with some useful extra arms. (This is no joke; I think extra arms would be very practical. Ice cream, piano, and texting all at once? Yes, please!) Plus, you might already know some of it...the government wants to know my ethnicity right? I hope filling in all the bubbles gave them a pretty clear idea. Might as well cover all the bases, just in case.

Oh, not a physical description? I knew that was too easy.

I could tell you something significant that happened to me. I've only bought one lottery ticket my entire life, but I didn't win, so I refused to buy any more. I ate at McDonald's AFTER seeing"Supersize Me" and was unfazed...until I remembered seeing that documentary. I accidentally got a Facebook: a testament to my computer savviness. I got on the wrong bus once, and I ended up riding around for a very comfortable air-conditioned hour. I cried when I saw "The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland".

Let me clarify: those were significant to ME. So, um, if you don't like 'em...tough trousers.

I could tell you about someone who made a difference in my life and why. It involves quite a few people. Well, actually there are two people. One is a man and the other is a woman. Oh, and there was a bird.

Since the man and woman loved each other very much, an angel paged a stork. The stork said, "Ah! They must want a baby!". So he flew up into the clouds and thought to himself, "I must bring them the most beautiful, talented, intelligent baby there is, since they love each other so much!". But it was a very busy day up in the clouds, so like concert tickets, fresh doughnuts, and prom dates, most of the good ones were already taken. The stork looked around in dismay. "What shall I bring them now?" He started rummaging around some cumulus swirls and happened upon a little baby stuck in the back. He was amazed by what he found. "Why, this baby is surely a gem! But why was it stuck in the back?" You see, storks never go to grocery stores, so they have never learned to always take from the back. Wrapping up the precious baby in a white blanket, he gently glided towards the man and woman's home.

He arrived at a very quiet, dark house. He tapped lightly on the door, but no one answered. He tapped louder. The stork was getting impatient and he had a newborn baby on his hands. He stood there, tapping the door with his beak, until he looked like a desperate overgrown woodpecker. He might have stayed there all night, but luckily a neighbor groggily informed him that the couple was at the hospital. The stork flew as swiftly as he could. He met the couple in a white room filled with people in masks and gloves. The couple looked worried and pained. The people in masks also seemed concerned. "Wow," he thought when he saw everyone. "They must really want this baby. Especially that woman. She looks positively awful!" The stork plopped the baby on the woman's lap. The man and woman looked upon the newborn with happiness and adoration. The baby gave a loud cry, probably confused after napping in the clouds. But the couple was happy, oh so happy. The baby was happy too, but as a newborn, the baby wasn't aware of it yet. They thanked the stork, but he was already gone. The stork did a couple back flips in the sky, a little victory twirl after a job well done. The angel smiled. It was the beginning of another beautiful life, another beautiful story.

So that's the story of how my little brother was born. He's alright, I guess.

Hope you enjoyed the preview! I hope the next time I send you something (or when I actually send you something) you'll want to hear more. Till then, think fondly on those students who are really trying their hardest to get into college.

Sincerely,

Anxious Blogger

Dear People In General

Here's to talking to people you've never met! Ever wanted to say something to a stranger? Time to let those thoughts fly. Welcome to my blog.

Sincerely,

MoCho