Dear Teen Novel Authors

Not all teenage girls want to have sex.

In this letter, I am addressing those authors who disagree with the above statement. No, this statement is not flexible, not pliable like your weak-willed female characters. It is a universal truth, sparingly acknowledged in your literature.

It is difficult to believe that even female authors choose to characterize their plucky protagonists as perilously romantic, to the point that a single love interest could dominate their entire being. For example, Stephanie Meyers has millions of fans who enjoy reading about Bella, a girl who gives up everything (literally) to be with a vampire. She decides, "Well, if I can be with Edward, I'll give up my family, being human, a college education, and garlic bread." Even so, is Edward even that great? He leaves her in the second book, which honestly isn't a huge surprise, since he spent the entire first book telling her "Oh, we can't be friends" and "I'm dangerous." Sure, he might have an ice-cold albino complexion that drives girls wild, but what also drives girls wild is his inability to give a flying flip about Bella's emotional well-being.

Not to single out Meyers, many other teen authors love to have their heroines deflowered sooner than smashing any glass ceilings. Your fictional coquettes are more like sex-crazed zombies: they have only one goal in mind and they seriously need brains. It's hard to swallow the multitude of these types of "plots," yet you make a living off of these books, teaching all the wrong lessons to the wrong age group.

What does this silly ol' blogger want then? A wholesome novel in which a non-anorexic, intelligent young woman lives a fulfilling life without being tempted to destroy her self-respect by attractive football players, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, serial killers, actual zombies, stoners, and perverts (all are real examples from real teen novels). I want a book that teaches girls about healthy relationships AND healthy aspirations. Until then, I can only hope that the quote below will convince you that some romantic fantasies are better left unexplored:

"I will not make love with you until you've been changed."

[Out of context] WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN????

Yours,

Disgusted Reader

Dear Interviewer

It's really hard to judge you harshly...you being one of the many who will probably decide my fate for the rest of my life. So instead, I would like to (in a neutral fashion) ask you a few questions:

1) Who are you? Why should I (or the college for that matter) care about your opinion? Given you are an alumnus, how could you possibly know anything about evaluating applicants? Who gave you the responsibility of possibly undoing all the hard work I put into my application for months with a single bad evaluation? How can such an unfair judgment determine the rest of my life? Why must I bare my soul to you, insignificant pawn, whose capricious temper could be the venomous bile that corrodes my destiny?

2) Why do you like Starbucks so much?

3) What if I told you I was already accepted and that this interview was just a way for the college to evaluate its interviewers and if you get a bad evaluation, they'll revoke your degree?

4) If I told you I was just joking, would you find that "refreshingly humorous" or "hopelessly stupid"?

5) I slipped one hundred dollars into your pocket. Would you like to show me what you wrote on your notepad? Or would you like me to give you a few seconds to change it?

6) Are you judging me on what I'm wearing?

7) Why was there an awkward silence after I mentioned that I Googled you before our interview?

Thanks for the interview. I'll be sure to tell all of my friends about how weird it was.

Sincerely,

I-hope-we-can-be-best-friends-because-now-I-know-your-email!

Dear Cold Sore

Hi, little pimple at the side of my mouth. How are you?

Well, I know how fun it is to hang out at the corner of my lips. Don't get me wrong; there's nothing quite like the thrill of parasitically destroying my ability to eat, yawn, and attract other members of my species. Plus, all I can really do is smear vile-smelling greases on you until you decide to pack up and go away. By all means, stay awhile and eat away at my life, inflammation by inflammation.

But what I don't get is the fact that you are incurable. You decide to clone yourself (in that sick cycle of hijacking my cells and turning them into virus factories) and you are pretty successful until my body decides to torch your little pathogen butts. Then, somehow, a few of you SURVIVE. You go into remission (or as I like to imagine, something akin to a junk food/video game coma) until you decide, "Hey. Let's go make people think our host has herpes."

And then, when you pot your putrid little lesion out, you look, all offense intended, like a deformed wart. Like the wart that never quite became a wart and it exploded on the way out. You ruin my perfectly kissable lips with this giant swollen pus ball. Not that I'd be kissed, because obviously you've left quite an impression.

Why do you want to stay here in my body for life? Why can't you just do a big blowout like the cold or the flu and then just LEAVE? It is mind-boggling how resilient you are. Not to mention the fact that if you just disappeared, the world would be just fine. Did you know that if all the mosquitoes in the entire world just dropped dead, everything would be fine? Their ecological value is nearly zero. You know what mosquitoes carry? Viruses. Which you are. Which I have to explain to you because you don't exactly have a brain.

Anyway, I hope you know that you cause me much unnecessary pain and I hope that you realize how ironic it is that you make me less attractive, making it harder for me to pass you on to other organisms. Dumb cold sore.

Dear Rejection

Thank you for accepting ******'s application. She appreciates all your hard work in skimming over her application, laughing maniacally while crushing her dreams beneath your heel, and hating your job. Unfortunately, she will not be admitted to your university, because you have rejected her and she rejects you.

She knows that you can't take all students no matter how average they look on paper and how most of them are too well-rounded individually for you to make a well-rounded class and how they are all amazing talented students. But as you know, ****** can only go to so many colleges (1) and while yours is a reputable institution of higher learning you may not fit her needs as expressed by your admissions committee. ****** believes that with your shameless mail advertising, pricey application fee, and dismally low acceptance rate, you will surely find a student who is worthy to attend your university.

Please do not attempt to contact ****** to ask about why you were rejected or why you rejected her. The answers to both questions is a giant expletive which can be translated as "I don't know. Leave me alone. You are fecal matter and the spawn of a female canine." If she tried to explain why you were rejected, well...she'd be speechless. That would never happen by the way, because she is currently too busy applying to other schools, including your rival. She's mad now, but she'll get over it, quicker than you can send an "incomplete app" notification.

As you know, ****** has hundreds of colleges to choose from who are probably just as good or better than you in many ways, but remember that she'll definitely take a holistic approach in considering these schools- rankings, housing, dining, location, financial aid....all of these are taken into equal consideration. exceptforrankingbecauseshewantstogotoafamousschoolnotsomerandomplaceinthemiddleofnowhere

So don't be sad! Cheer up! Even though ****** rejected you, it doesn't mean you are a bad school. As a highly sought-after applicant, you can expect that she is selective and can't go to just any school. You are sure to find great students to attend your school even though none of them can or ever will be ******, who is not bitter and you shouldn't be either.

Sincerely,

Former Applicant

Dear New Year's Resolutions

From now on, I resolve to make a list of New Year's Resolutions, post them in a public place, and pressure-cook myself to get them finished. Also, I resolve to resolve resolutions.

1. Blog hiatuses (hiati? wouldn't that make more sense?) will no longer last three months nor will they consist of eating junk food, writing college essays, and simultaneously staring out into space like a dead sloth while drooling profusely.

2. I will lose weight, approximately 5 to hippopotamus lbs. by next year.

3. I will procrastinate only if there is a tangible benefit to waiting to complete the task immediately before the deadline and only if the tangible benefit is of monetary value. Or if I have a freak-load of homework to do. Or if I have a blog entry to write.

4. I will be nicer to the people around me. I will be more patient with others. I will stop imagining vivid ways of killing people in the most horrifying and humiliating ways while they are talking to me/wasting my life.

5. I will stop being attracted to people who I will probably never meet, especially if there is an appreciable age difference. Also, if they are married or gay. (FAILED AS OF JAN. 1, 2010)

6. I will make my posts shorter because I am lazy and nobody gives a rat's hat.

If I am able to accomplish these six steps by Jan. 1, 2011, I will make six resolutions next year.

See you at the finish line!

Sincerely,

Post-New Year's Delusion