Dear Test Writers

Hey, there's something very important missing from your tests. Well, besides intelligible questions, sensible answers, and grammatically correct directions, your tests also lack a customer survey. I would love to see a little questionnaire at the end of every exam, just to see what us test-takers liked and disliked, so maybe there could be some improvement. Your labors are still impressive; nobody could ever guess the crazy nonsense you people write. But maybe if you had some feedback you could make your work even better...for both of us.

You could ask us to rate your test on a scale from Hot to Not. Or we could grade your test with the same scale you grade us ("Hey, you might've given me a C minus, but I gave you a big fat FAIL!"). We could leave a few constructive comments. Or we could just enter one for a chance to win an answer key to next year's exams.

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it. The tests so far really BLOW.

No, I'm not talking about the ones I bombed or the ones that I aced. I'm talking about all of them collectively. Sure, test-taking is a purely negative experience, but those multiple-choice monsters you churn out surely don't brighten my day. Every test has a makeup of 15 % stupid questions, 60% hard questions, 20% trick questions, 4% mystery questions, and 1% dumb questions about percentages. In fact, I would give you everything out of my pockets if you found a test that was clear and reasonable. Of course, I have no pockets, so tough tidy whities. Also, your tests all give terrible impressions. Instead of telling someone how I think I did, I usually have to aim for the mid-lower spectrum answer, just to be in the ballpark. Or I have to say the opposite of what I feel. An, "okay, I guess" is my usual answer, unless your test was easy, in which case I would go with, "not a prayer."

Do you even proofread these? It's always the first time I've read these exams, and I can pick out three or four commonly confused diction or missing punctuation ones. My favorites are the misspelled conjunctions with the double last letter like "but" or "as". I especially like the confusing multiple choice answers when there are three choice A's. If a test-taker is really lucky, you'll give them a question with the answer...in the question. It was very un-thoughtful of you.

I'm sure it's a difficult job and I should be grateful that you (try to) give us students an opportunity to show off our knowledge, but, for goodness's sake, you might as well take us out underage drinking . You certainly don't show off our good sides, and we get major headaches afterwards. Making up test questions isn't fun, but if you'd give us a call we'd be glad to help. That's why the little surveys would be great! Instead of asking us what ethnicity we are or what languages we speak at home, wouldn't it be better to get some help with the exams? We'd be happy to write questions for you and we'll stop calling you racists. Plus, then we can't complain afterwards, right?

I just want to make one little itty-bitty minuscule suggestion: MAKE BETTER TESTS. Ask about stuff we know (or should know) and ask it in a way that makes sense to actual people. Even if it sounds good in your head, you should run it by...one of us. Just in case.